Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Off to the Polls We Go
Just yesterday, a rocket blew up on the launch pad and Jose
Canseco emulated Plaxico Burress by accidentally shooting himself. Last week, a gunman murdered a Canadian
soldier, a fourteen-year-old boy opened fire in a Washington State school
cafeteria, and a hatchet-wielding extremist attacked four policemen in New
York. Elsewhere, women are
executed for killing their rapists in Iraq and Iran, a landslide kills hundreds
in Sri Lanka, Ebola continues to rage in West Africa, and Kim Jong Un
resurfaces for a photo-op at a North Korean orphanage that houses no orphans.
Today, Russia is reported to have cyber-attacked the White
House, the head of the Secret Service prostitution probe is himself tied to
prostitution, and Sarah Palin announces she wants to run for public office
again. The United States elections are still six days away, and we are drowning
in negative ads and gasbag predictions. No wonder everyone is grumpy, for
reasons profound and trivial. I’m
so grumpy that I’m posting illustrations of cats and Disney characters, neither
group being one I find particularly endearing.
GRUMPY
There’s a new barrage of polls showing that the U.S.
electorate: dislikes President
Obama, despises Congress, hates gridlock (but also believes that compromise is
tantamount to spinelessness), and thinks the country is ‘going in the wrong
direction.’ In other words, it’s
in an extremely grumpy mood. So
are the candidates. It seems that
not only are the campaigns almost exclusively negative; they are
meanspiritedly, nitpickingly, mendaciously so. Further, we who live in ‘swing states’ are the displeased
recipients of constant telephone calls from various groups trying to push us
into voting against someone or some position. After the twelfth call from the Karl Rove American
Crossroads PAC, I ended up screaming at the somehow unperturbed automated voice
to stop harassing me . . . grumpiness having morphed into rage.
The only suspense in this cranky miasma is the percentage of
voters who will actually vote in order to register their bad temper versus
those who will stay home and complain about the results they had no hand in
producing.
SLEEPY
Another thing that makes me grumpy: this election season isn’t really very
entertaining. Two years ago was a
hoot, a-bristle with loopy politicians making insanely ridiculous pronouncements
(remember Todd Aiken’s legitimate rape?
Herman Cain’s manly man’s pizza?
Mitt Romney’s binders full of women? Michele Bachmann’s defense of
carbon dioxide? Ah, good times . .
.). This year is downright
boring.
Countrywide, Republican candidates resemble alien abductees
whose mind-control implants make them repeat the identical slogan – “A vote for
[insert Democratic opponent’s name] is a vote for Obama.” When Democratic candidates try to do
the national referendum thing, it’s also consistently shorthanded through
mentions of “the do-nothing Congress.”
And, except for hog-castrator Joni Ernst of Iowa, there aren’t even
colorful characters. In my state,
for example, we did have an absolutely crazy candidate – Greg Brannon, who ran
against fluoridation and food-stamp slavery. Unfortunately for North Carolina’s political merriment
quotient, the surviving Republican Senatorial candidate is as amusing as burnt toast
while the Democratic incumbent is dutifully dull. (To be fair, she does brandish some actual issues that at
least bring a certain amount of concreteness to her campaign in an otherwise
vaporous political atmosphere.)
Yes, there’s still Rick Perry stumbling around somewhere,
but he’s not running for office at the moment. I know it’s too much to ask for the return of the spatially
and temporally challenged Dan Quayle (“I love California; I practically grew up
in Phoenix.” Or: “The Holocaust
was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But I didn’t live in this century.”), but can’t we do better
than monotone incantations about ‘growing good jobs’ and ‘getting things
done’? In today’s news
environment, where a politician’s misstatement or malapropism becomes an
existential crisis, probably not.
Yawn.
DOPEY
The problem is that downright willful stupidity is not funny
any more. There’s too much of
it. Certainly among the electorate
itself, about 30% of which believes that it’s time for an armed revolution,
that gay people can and should choose to become straight, that President Obama
is a Muslim, and that another war in Iraq is an excellent idea. In addition, about 30% of our fellow
citizens cannot find the Pacific Ocean on a world map, 20% maintain that the
sun revolves around the earth, and more can name the Three Stooges than can
name the three branches of our government.
But let’s not let politicians off the hook. Congressman Phil Gingrey (Georgia)
maintains that immigrant children from Mexico and Central America can carry Ebola
over our ‘unprotected’ southern border.
Rep. Louis Gohmert (Texas) holds that caribou enjoy the warmth of oil
pipelines but that foreign aid to China will make that country sell us food
with dogs and cats in it. Governor
Jan Brewer (Arizona) claims that “life begins from the first day of the last
menstrual period of the pregnant woman.” And whereas Gov. Paul LePage of Maine believes
that climate change will be good for his state, most other oil-funded
politicians either deny that it’s happening at all, falsely argue that there’s
no scientific consensus about it, or – when asked directly if they believe that
climate change exists -- weasel out with the ‘I’m not a scientist’ dodge.
DOC
They may not be scientists, but they sure can be medical
doctors . . . whether it’s male politicians pontificating on women’s health or
ambitious governors ignoring public health professionals’ advice and confining
medical workers returning from West Africa to makeshift quarantine yurts.
It’s shameful how Ebola is being tricked out as a campaign
issue. Ironically, ‘Dr.’ Rand Paul
is among the most egregious, stating that the Obama administration’s devotion
to ‘political correctness’ has warped its decision-making about the disease,
worrying that ‘whole shiploads’ of American soldiers may become infected, and (no
doubt relying on his self-certified expertise as an eye doctor) disagreeing
with the head of the Center for Disease Control about Ebola’s
transmissibility. Lesser lights
are content with blaming the president for lack of leadership on the issue,
although some (with a worried glance toward 2016) also blame the State
Department’s lack of vigilance.
Speaking of 2016: Governor
or should we say Doctor Chris Christie (New Jersey) – he of the big, tough
quarantine decree – is now engaged in an unseemly verbal battle with the woman
he clapped into an isolation tent, evidently trying to rebuild his image as an
oversized Joe Pesci who don’t take no guff (or advice) from no one, no
how. Show the respect, will ya?
SNEEZY
These maneuvers would not work without the bloated public
panic Ebola has engendered in the United States. I’m too grumpy to go into the irrational fears and
counterproductive actions this panic has caused, particularly irritating when
considering the very real horrors the disease has brought upon Liberia, Sierra
Leone, and Guinea. One example
will suffice: despite overwhelming medical evidence to the contrary, some
people are convinced that Ebola has ‘gone airborne,’ or soon will, making it as
catchable as the common cold. Suggestion:
invest in whoever makes those fashionable surgical masks favored by the
Japanese.
Although condemned as tasteless, Ebola-themed Halloween
costumes may be a good thing, as they suggest that not everyone is quaking in
their Tyvek suits, organizing parents’ groups to ban students of Rwandan or
South African heritage from attending school. You can buy a ‘sexy Ebola nurse costume’ for only $59.99
(boots sold separately).
BASHFUL . . . Oh, sorry:
CASHFUL
Here’s where I can be grumpily bipartisan. Both Democrats and Republicans are
floating on a giant tide of cash:
small-donor contributions, millionaire-funded PACS, greedy special
interests, dark money from god-knows-where. My state has the dubious distinction of hosting the most
expensive Senate Race in 2014 -- $100 million and counting. This obscene amount of money has bought
over 90,000 unpleasant ads, 89,999 of which I’m sure I’ve seen at least once.
A lot of the blame goes to the Supreme Court and the noxious
Citizens United ruling, augmented by this April’s McCutcheon decision. But it devolves upon us, too . . . as
we continue to wring our hands at the influence of ‘monied interests’ while we
continue to elect politicians in their thrall. This is one of the main reasons I’m determined to vote (even
if poll watchers demand my birth certificate, vaccination record, and tax
returns from the last ten years) and will mostly vote Democratic . . . I truly
fear what will happen if the Supreme Court becomes even more conservative than
it now is. Whatever happened to
campaign finance reform?
HAPPY
Election Day is November 4, and I for one will be happy to
see it go. Even though some races
impacting control of the Senate may drag into December (or later) due to slow
tabulation, lawsuits, and run-offs, at least the onslaught of political ads and
political commentary will stop, as party operatives can stop herding the grumpy
cats that comprise this year’s cantankerous electorate. I’m happy to turn my thoughts to the
upcoming holidays and trade non-unionized dwarfs for Santa’s elves, crabby
felines for Thanksgiving turkeys.